I am 46 years old and most of my life I have been aware that one day we are all going to die. That the only thing that is irreversible is death, but then that day comes when someone you love leaves you and you can't do anything. I feel anger, denial, sadness, guilt, hopelessness and at the same time gratitude for having had him in my life all these years. I ask myself thousands of questions and one of them is that if he left at the time he had to leave or was it too early? The person I lost is my dad. My dad who was one more victim of covid-19. My dad was young and with a lot to live for still, I think, but according to many others, no one leaves this world before his time. We all have a date and time for when we are going to leave this physical world. Very terrible but apparently true. My father lived in Venezuela, an underdeveloped country where doctors have not learned to handle covid-19 like here in Sweden and other more advanced countries. Unfortunately my dad had not been vaccinated, I don't know if that would have helped him. I don't want to think that many things would have been different if he had acted differently. But no, he lived his life as he wanted and not as we (my mother, my sister and I) would have wanted. Now what remains is to accept his decision and accept that he is not longer with us physically. In reality, it is our decisions that affect our lives, those that determine what will become of our lives.
Acceptance, as I have named it in my other posts, does not mean that I agree with what has happened or that I do not want to change it. Rather, I have to face what happened to my dad, which is very sad. I have to understand that what happened was going to happen, regardless, it was written and that's how it was going to be. Although, I do sometimes have to confess that I feel guilty for what happened. I am not yet in the acceptance stage, I think, I still feel angry at having lost my father to this virus. I feel angry and frustrated because I think I could have done something else to save him, but I know that whatever I think is not going to help me bring back my dad.
Thank God I was lucky to have him as my father for 46 years. I enjoyed that as much as I could and I know that he also did what he could and lived how he wanted his 70 years of life. I have to learn to live without him physically with the hope that one day I will see him again and that he will always be with us in our hearts and alive in our thoughts.
Remember that accepting the death of a loved one does not mean that it will no longer hurt us or that we will not miss them anymore. We only learn to live without them but always remembering them. When we accept death we will be able to start rebuilding our lives.
Dad I always loved you, I love you and I will always love you. Fly high daddy!
